According to a recently published study in the Annals of Mathematics, there are more chances that you spot unicorns on the IISER Mohali campus than mathematics majors. Moreover, statistically speaking (please note that there is no statistics faculty at IISERM, since statistics is not real math), the peacock population on campus is a whopping 47 percent higher than that of math majors. Math majors have now filed applications with the Ministry of Minority Affairs for recognition as a minority religious group. The Ministry is puzzled and has decided to consult the high priests, the purest of mathematicians. Meanwhile, the people at Infinity Club (there are only three of them) recently held a gabfest for the revival of their religion. Little do they know that their extinction seems inevitable.
When asked for a comment, Dr. Srinivas Euler, a practitioner of purest mathematics at DMS, stated, “Mathematics is a noble pursuit, when pursued with purity. See, the whole world is linear algebra. However, students don’t really want to use their brains and go for the easier subjects, which all depend on math by the way.” After this, the interviewer had to flee, as they were asked for their Real Analysis grades before they moved to the next question.
“DON’T TAKE MATH!” screamed Sudarshan Lal, a fourth-year mathematics major. His neighbours say that he has been disturbed ever since he got his grades for the fifth semester, which only deteriorated with each passing year. He now holds online talks telling kids to stay away from mathematics. “It crushes the soul, this subject.”, says Sudarshan, “In my third year, I was proving that 1 equals 1.” Another math major, now in his fifth year, said: “Sometimes I wonder why I chose this subject. It makes me feel dumb all the time.” Indeed, it does. He scratches his bald head and tells us that he is too busy with his thesis. We decided not to bother him with more questions.
We approached Purva Prasad, MS17, and asked him what he thought about the low popularity of mathematics. What he told us was surprising, to say the least. “Having secured a PhD position in Computer Science at the University of the Bahamas, I feel I am the right person to discuss the issue. Not everyone is capable of doing mathematics, certainly not biology majors. Only those with the highest intellect, like me, can pursue math. Better they stay away from math. Math is not for all. It needs to be guarded. ” Math is not for all, indeed!
Meanwhile, Tanu Prabhakaran, from MS23, has already planned her life for the next decade or so. She is almost certain of winning a Fields medal. After scoring an A in Linear Algebra, MTH101, she has now started working on Millennium Prize Problems. “What are the Millennium Prize problems for me when I can score a straight A in MTH101.” Tanu says. Her intellect is unparalleled, with an SPI of 9.56 in the first semester, she is second to none (except for the 11 people who got a perfect 10). She says that there are too many unintelligent people out here. They would not pass the math courses, which only a few people like her can pass.
In a class of more than 260, barely 20 people seem interested in math. What is causing this drought in the field? Some say the abstract mathematical concepts that only the purest of mathematicians can understand repel the students. Some say it is the dwindling grades. The MTH101 course, I hear from people, reached some abstract dimensions without any warning. The class was very happy to find out the determinants of 3×3 matrices. In fact, it was felt that going so far wasn’t necessary, and the course should have ended there. One wonders how many of these crying souls would take mathematics.
Raghu Ram, from MS22, openly a radical, believes that everyone should study mathematics. He has repeatedly attacked the math fraternity for being elitist and purist. He believes that the courses they offer are too tough for the common folks. The department should rather offer easier ones. When someone confronted him saying that pure math has no easy courses, he fought back with calling out the department. He says that mathematicians have deliberately made it out of reach of a common student and now campaigns for a complete overhaul of the field. Whether he would be successful or not remains to be seen.
Prof. Kamalawati Naik, who has been at IISERM since 2007, is a pure mathematician. She blames patriarchy for math not being so popular among girls. Her NGO, called the Feminist Pure Mathematicians Foundation, campaigns for more girls to join mathematics. Girls from MS23, however, are not as happy about Prof. Naik’s campaigns. They believe mathematics will deprive them of joy in life, and it is a conspiracy of the department to ruin the lives of innocent girls who are more than happy taking physics and biology majors.
The Infinity Club is now in war mode. They are desperately recruiting people; the sad part is that only 2 people want to join them. Phi@i and BDF have established a duopoly in the institute. This battle will be interesting to watch. “What does Infinity even do? Solving sums on boards attracts none. We are real scientists.“ says a senior Phi@i member. It is incredible how physicists who approximate pi as 1 and a cow as a sphere have moral grounds to talk about the holy subject of pure mathematics. Infinity refused to comment. It seems they are too scared to take on Phi@i, who are now more than a club; a cult, to be precise. Physics has long been an enemy, poaching potential math majors with its glamorous world. BDF, on the other hand, is more subtle in its words. They say the potential extinction of math majors was predicted by Darwin, for they are least fit to inhabit the world because of their socially inept and overwrought nature.
How long before the whole math majors community is wiped out? Some say that it will happen in the next two years. The most optimistic ones say that 2029 will be the year of extinction. Who the math faculty will teach after their extinction remains a million-dollar question. Experts (my team and I) believe that the ISB students, who are all eager to study Linear Algebra (the world is all Linear Algebra, you know), will fill in the mathematics classes. Soon, they will sign a Memorandum of Understanding, and ISB students will flock to the math department. But will the purest of mathematicians agree to teach them is another question we cannot answer. In this environment of uncertainty, we recall the last line of Heisenberg. “The mathematics majors at IISERM will certainly go extinct.”
Disclaimer
The author would like to clarify that all characters and incidents in the article are a work of fiction. Neither the author discourages people from pursuing math majors nor does he disregard the current math fraternity. The reader is expected to take the satire with a pinch of salt and not take the words literally. The author hopes and believes that the article would in no way influence people’s real life decisions regarding majors or pre-majors. Lastly, the article does not intend to create a false sense of distaste towards mathematics.
– Aniruddha Mishra
Edited by: Hanisha and Arudhra
Manthan 